For well over a year now I have gone over and over in my head, soul searched my heart, as to why "I let myself" get involved with him. Why I stayed. I truly believe(d) The answers that unlock the doors to the future I want are in those whys. Ive said it a hundred times. theres no U turns for me. only the good life ahead for me because it is time to live a life I am capable of, deserving of and truly want and need for myself. I am tired of old cycles. My present days are the days I have to learn from my past to create a better future.
this is what I have discovered...
When I met him I was in the middle of my own self and life transformations. I had started touching the surface of my true spirit. I had lost almost 200 pounds and felt a sense of freedom and accomplishment like never before. I had been accepted in the Art Institute of Indianapolis. I was enjoying dating a man who Id been online friends with for a couple of years. He was a large part of my support system in reclaiming my life as an individual and an esteem booster. He had become one of my best friends and confidant. I had never felt such an easy connection and mutual attraction with a man, for all the right reasons.
I had sold almost everything i owned accept for all the sentimental's and basics to move to the city where I was going to start my new life and freedom as a college student in arts.
I had it going on. Or so I thought.
And then...I met him. In celebration of all my accomplishments my ex husband (yes, he was one of my best friends until this new relationship separated us) took me to get a tattoo. That day changed my life then and forever. There was immediate interest, attraction and chemistry with the tattooist. Within a week I had lost my footing, exchanged the life and opportunities I had going for me for a life with him.
What happened...?
Hidden and unacknowledged fear and insecurity. fear of the unknown. fear of failure. fear of being alone in the city. fear of the mystery, the unknown.
I found refuge in him. a false sense of security. What felt like an almost secret life hidden away that was just ours. I found intensities with him I'd never experienced before that were exciting, new, different and brought out sides of me I didn't even realize existed. we had a chemistry together that turned into his obsession. he quickly became my world. my addiction. He had all the traits of an abuser and within a couple months I knew his deep darkness. but I also knew the abused child in him. the victim that needed saved.he needed loved. he needed me. I probably left this man over 100 times easy. My 22 year old son who helped me move my stuff in and out too many times to count gave up on me and said one of the very last times "he WILL be the death of you mom".
When I realized my love for him was also becoming balanced with a hatred and resentment I HAD to start evaluating WHY I was letting him crumble me. Why was I letting him destroy my goodness. Why was I contemplating buying a gun with intent to use it instead of breaking free for good. Why was I letting him drag my heart around and laugh at the pieces of me he was stomping in the ground. why was I letting him risk my future in prison over everything I had previously set out to do and become when I met him....? WHy, when and how did I lose myself and that control...?
I started slowly investigating these questions about a year before I left him. I took my focus off of us and him. I started my journey inward to reclaim me. What I had left Inside of me was all that I had left period.
He had isolated me from everyone I loved except my son. Most friendships/relationships I had when I met him were (and are still)either strained or dissolved because of circumstances, misunderstandings, hurts and changes. What I was enduring to deal with him and my life with him were completely life consuming. HE had control over every aspect of my life. I was alone, scared, heart broken, twisted in mind and fractured in spirit.
What was left of ME I had to start finding and building on before I could leave him. I had to find my will and face ALL my fears. Not just what life had become with him, but the ones I was avoiding by staying with him from the beginning of his exposed darkness.
the realizations were and are still astounding to me. Everything I was afraid of before that caused me to quietly detour from my planned out future, were absolutely trivial in comparison to the fears I faced with him and within our relationship.
Abusers have a nack for singling out their victims. victims have certain characteristics just as abusers do. When i met him, I had every reason in the world to feel good about myself, but in the depths of me were shadows I was running from. My past and my future crashed in the arms of him.
I have made a book out of what I refer to as my workbooks. All the journals I had wrote containing deep self explorations that all helped me come to terms with fears, myself, him, and breaking free of our cycle.
all this being said....
whatever I post in Hopes Hand is about helping self transformation. Not only do I advocate for victims in abusive situations but for those who are interested in transforming themselves from the INSIDE to stop abusive cycles.
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