Love, Laughter and Peace Frogs :)

Sometimes, (almost every other day or two in fact) I really just feel like posting 'I love life' !!  I am so GRATEFUL just to be alive and the opportunity to BE happy and have peace!!!!

I have more good days than 'ugghh' days by masssssive majority. the reason I dont post my luvn happiness all the time is because I get this crazy guilty feeling. one because that would make me more chippery, giddy and annoying than I want to irritate people with;  but mostly because I know theres too many people that I love deeply that are so UNhappy. I feel a deep sense of empathy for these people. I carry sadness daily with my happiness (nothing is perfect) because I do not have the ability to change their minds, lives or give them the undertsanding or courage to benefit deep healing. There is soooo much deep  healing that needs to take place. It is a process, but in the dark of it, there IS light. It is a scary thought digging deep to start healing decades of painful hard knocks, and we avoid it. but, the reality for most of us who have tucked away and avoided needed healing, the hurt has been a source of self destruction, not tucked away and left in the past. I know. I wouldn't suggest it if I didnt know it to be true. Digging deep to resolve ancient issues is positively life altering.

everyone knows...

True Happiness is NOT about where you live, what you got, how much money you make, etc.  To a degree these things matter yes, but they are all workable, doable things that resolve, roll over, change and we adjust as needed...., and then when they do... theres something else to take the unsatisfactors place. I worked my ass off, made decent money, owned lots of nice stuff, drove my 'dream'  vehicle( simply suitable Jen jeep! I am 1000% confident it will be replaced in a matter of time!). The point is all these things and I was completely miserable, suicidal and homocidal at one point, (lol, i can chuckle at that now because it sounds as insane as it really was). All of this in different cycles in the last 20 years. Conveniences come and go.

The STABILITY of peace and happiness is what you have within, not out. I have to admit i have never experienced the depth of these that I do now. It came with surrendering myself but at the same time taking responsibility and thrusting foreword into change. everyone's born with the capabilities.everyone has the ability to make life altering choices and adjustments mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. everyone can learn how to shield themselves in non offensive ways from negative energies that can zap until they take the next train far from the zapper. Only in the last few months have I realized and utilized. It takes time and working effort but worth it by leaps and bounds. Life has dulled our senses but there IS hope for those that dare.

 It feels sadly unfair that I am so happy when theres so many suffering. I'd change circumstances in a heart beat if I could but in reality I know band aids where off and changes have to come from suffering. It sounds cruel but I say it with love, experience and understanding.. the cycle will continue until it is gripped. (You do not become good by trying to be good, but by finding the goodness that is already within you, and allowing that goodness to emerge. But it can only emerge if something fundamental changes in your state of consciousness." ~ Eckhart Tolle.... Good = peaceful= happy, you see what I'm saying here...? lol :) Ive worked hard climbing out of levels of my own (and anothers) twisted hell with a bleeding heart and shattered pride. I'm here to say that tattooed hearts DO mend faster than fond memories fade. Pride does heal and reconstruct.

I'm STILL stumbling up the mountain that is ME, not the dealings of life. I chose my own path of mistakes and hardships. I created this life that Im dealing with and now REcreating....  Even if the top of the mountain is my illusion, it is worth the climb because everyday feels better. For once in my life I feel a true real fulfillment I've never known before. It is fulfilling just Knowing that I'm on the right path. the higher I climb facing sunshine, the shadows fall further behind.

 I wish I could reach inside of myself and give others the 'spark' of understanding that everyone is born with. The understanding that everybody has the ability to heal their mind, heart and spirit which DOES positively effect the bodys disease riddled, painful effects we've inflicted them with.(How many people  know the body has the capability of healing its self...? I am curiously striving for this. I might die first, but I'm researching, learning and willing because I HATE being drug down by illness and lung disease!) Everyone was born with the right to claim their health and inside-out happiness.

The thing is the mind is like a parachute... If It doesnt work, it will not open.  If the mind isnt open it will not save you from the ultimate destructive behaviors, belief systems or misery. The mind is influenced positively or negatively. Be your OWN influence! Work it ! the mind is a muscle and is strengthened with expansion by effort and positive use.

 I pray for minds and hearts  to expand.  right now people just really think I'm whacked. but hey! Im totally ok with that because, well, im peacefully happy most of the time in ways Ive only read about. And that,  is an awesome place to be ;).

What a wonderful amazing life it could be if everyone was really truly deeply happy the majority of the time! If everyone discovered the natural (drug/alcohol free ) peace within themselves (wich would eliminate most negativity and drama)! If everyone were able to completely forgive each other for the past and start over, connecting on higher levels of understanding, living and BEING, for better lives... if everyone loved with compassion and respect in unity! all in the same lifetime!!

The thing is my family and friends... I truly whole heartedly love people. Happiness is supposed to be shared with the ones you love and care about. guiltlessly, peacefully, without the walls and barriers to shield ourselves. I'm not perfect nor do I want or strive to be. However, there are definately bad habits I'm still diligently processing through(daily!!) so I do not hurt myself OR you anymore than I can help. This is where I am finding my true happiness. In creating a better, peaceful, less painful,  easy going, smiley kinda life for myself AND others. To be Creating a better; more God intended co-exsisting life filled with compassion, trust, respect and love... just makes sense to me.

 They call me a dreamer, but sense Im free to be me, I have found... I'm not the only one. ;))

Love, laughter and frogs for everyone!! :))) <3

THE Choice Happiness...

When you make the choice to change habits and life patterns because you CHOOSE to move on in life; everything flows.. You are aware of the negatives... but you focus and put forth positive energy to stimulate more good, more positive energy. you're perspective changes because you want to change. you start changing the music you listen to, the tv you watch, let go of those in your life that hold you back and replace their messages with positive ones. what you feed your soul with will either nourish you or deplete you.

when you feel the changes happening within you, see them taking residence in your life, you feel care, compassion and love for what you observe around you that cant control, but feel freedom from the ties that once bound you behind dark walls. 

When you get tired enough of the darkness, of being imprisoned... you actually see the light because you put effort into looking for it. There IS always a light, a star in the dark, because GOD is the star, and GOD is within all of us.

you follow that light over the bridge that connects to your deeper, true happy , at peace and serene self. you're own spirit. you make a choice to leave the confusion, anger, sadness and pain behind.

It takes strength, initiative and courage to leave behind old habits and comforts that are no longer good for us if you REALLY want to be happy. we all have these capabilities within our depths because we were born with them. when you get tired enough of your "what is", you realize it is worth chancing what could be. You choose to leave lazy in bed and get up and put one foot in front of the other.

You take full responsibility for your misery and face what is, and has been, making your life miserable. You. Your choices even if and when unattentionally 'wrong'. You tell yourself 'enough' and you start moving towards feeling better, doing what you have to do that is in your best conscious, healthy interest.

No one else has control of your mind, your decisions. only you. you make a conscious choice to start swapping negatives for positives, because you are tired of misery. you consciously choose to start confronting the negatives from the past and present that continuously drag you down... then release them. you consciously choose to turn your life over and start OWNING your God given right to smile and be happy from the inside out. you WORK at creating yourself, and a better life. you let go of sentimental attachments with prayer and love in your heart. you let go because you realize everyone is on their own journey,living and creating their own karma, and you have to take responsibility for your own. Through you inspiration is ignited and others can confront their choices, take responsibility.

Others are mirrors. Everything positive, everything negative. What we connect with in others IS the mirror. What we admire, find attractive and even love about ourselves, we view in others. What we cant stand or fear within ourselves... we cant stand or fear in others. what we dont want to face within ourselves we are faced with in others. We attract the people, and situations, problems etc. in our lives. This is law of attraction and the way karma works. When we face them, we face ourselves. At first it hurts and is even scary because we HAVE to take full responsibility and accountability, but once you understand how karma really works, you realize you have choices and can actually create better, better, more rewarding karma. your life CAN change.

your mind, body, heart and spirit feed off of each other. what gos in one affects the rest. If youre body is suffering and in pain, theres a pretty good chance the rest of your being is too. You make a choice to start healing your heart, your body, mind and spirit will follow suit with efforts made. Anyone CAN heal when one makes the choice to WANT to. your body mind and spirit CAN AND WILL change as you change, because you want change. you look for change. you follow change. you read about change. you talk about change. you observe closely others who have made the change and you learn. You start creating change. 

When we realize there is more to life than sadness, misery, anger, pain...darkness. We make that choice to release the pain. To let go and move on in life.

Change doesn't happen over night, just as we didn't become who we are, where we are in present life... over night. Life's a process. It is truly inspirational and amazing when you actually start feeling the transitions and seeing the materializations. I can only hope others too will start seeing the light within their present darkness, and the choices available to them.

moving from his shadows.

This week I have been doing this balancing act between my heart and mind as he has shadowed me from behind.  I can feel his invisible pull. His energy. He is a master chameleon that has the ability to alter himself between good guy / evil guy. His changing colors had me flip flopping for years. I wonder when he will finally disappear from my life. True to his nature, he works behind the scenes tugging me with what few emotional strings that are still attached. I HAVE to disect those strings/feelings so as not to mistake pity, remorse  sadness, care and compassion for being 'in-love'.. more profound than any good memories (yes, there are tons of 'good' memories. no one falls in love with an abuser....)is the hell that became of my life behind the scenes.

I have to remind myself of all the obstacles I have overcome and the freedom I have now to be everything I am. I am too alive to be restricted by someones else's thoughts, prison walls or twisted belief systems. I am too free to be confined. No matter the pull from behind, I keep my eyes on the sun, I have the freedom to let my soul shine...

 In deeper levels...
It's amazing and painfully sad to me still how he never really knew my truth, my soul. He couldn't let himself believe due to his own insecurities and fears. He believed my light, my goodness, was a mask that would ultimately betray him, therefore always looking to catch me at betrayal, thus an excuse, a reason for his cruelty. Indeed, I did swim in an ocean of darkness, through his. He exposed me to my own darkened corners that was capable of doing things to protect myself I didn't know I had in me to do or be, only to feel immediate regret. Therefore...  IT  was the mask.  I don't believe real darkness, true evil, can feel such immediate disgust in their own behaviors or such intense regret. He exposed me to the worlds illnesses, and all things corrupted and evil through his tunnel visions.
I dont believe his soul is completely dark but because it is what he chooses to wallow in he will never see the light. He went over the top trying to prove how evil he is yet all he proved is how insanely dangerous he is for whatever reasons. Like a lot of DV victims, I see a lost, unwanted, abused child protected by a man who learned the ropes in all the wrong places. However as a survivor rebuilding my own life, I no longer feel the need to save him from himself. His cold, dark depths no matter how genuine from the soul they are or arent... ARE genuinely, insanely dangerous.

He will never know my light, my goodness not only existed and was my truth before and while i was with him, but it also overcame all that was. Within me it shines stronger, braver, brighter than it ever did before him. I truly believe those that acknowledge and hang on to their light within; in darkness, it will burn brighter, like a star, to guide them out of the depths of hell and despair.

I do not regret my time with him. I learned, I found my personal value and worth. I feel deep sadness and compassion for him. I forgive him. I thank him and the experience. I pray for him. I move foreword.

 I am on a journey. we all are. Not everyday is perfect.. What matters isn't about trying to be perfect, saying, doing or living perfection... but moving foreword. Trying to remember the things that matter TODAY, appreciate them (I'm big on gratitude listing) and building on those positives. the negatives, no matter who or what they are, what angle they come from; are merely lessons to learn from, challenges to over come for the better good. They are stepping stones  within ourselves to journey upward. we never realize how far we can go, what we are made of, until we look behind us and see how far we have came.  For me... it just drives me to keep going, see how far I can go, just what my ultimate potential is, what positive differences I can make for myself and others, what dreams I can make reality.

The Awakening by sonny Carroll

The Awakening Sonny Carroll There comes a time in your life when you finally get it ... When in the midst of all your fears and insanity you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out "ENOUGH! Enough fighting and crying or struggling to hold on." And, like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you shudder once or twice, you blink back your tears and through a mantle of wet lashes you begin to look at the world from a new perspective. ..........This is your awakening.

You realize that it is time to stop hoping and waiting for something or someone to change, or for happiness safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon. You come to terms with the fact that there aren't always fairytale endings (or beginnings for that matter) and that any guarantee of "happily ever after" must begin with you. Then a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.

So you begin making your way through the "reality of today" rather than holding out for the "promise of tomorrow." You realize that much of who you are and the way you navigate through life is, in great part, a result of all the social conditioning you've received over the course of a lifetime. And you begin to sift through all the nonsense you were taught about :

- how you should look and how much you should weigh,
- what you should wear and where you should shop, 
- where you should live or what type of car you should drive,
- who you should sleep with and how you should behave,
- who you should marry and why you should stay,
- the importance of bearing children or what you owe your family,

Slowly you begin to open up to new worlds and different points of view. And you begin re-assessing and re-defining who you are and what you really believe in. And you begin to discard the doctrines you have outgrown, or should never have practiced to begin with.

You accept the fact that you are not perfect ,and that not everyone will love appreciate or approve of who or what you are... and that's OK... they are entitled to their own views and opinions. And, you come to terms with the fact that you will never be a size 5 or a "perfect 10".... Or a perfect human being for that matter... and you stop trying to compete with the image inside your head or agonizing over how you compare. And, you take a long look at yourself in the mirror and you make a promise to give yourself the same unconditional love and support you give so freely to others. Then a sense of confidence is born of self-approval.

And, you stop maneuvering through life merely as a "consumer" hungry for your next fix, a new dress, another pair of shoes or looks of approval and admiration from family, friends or even strangers who pass by. Then you discover that it is truly in "giving" that we receive, and that the joy and abundance you seek grows out of the giving. And you recognize the importance of "creating" and "contributing" rather than "obtaining" and "accumulating."

And you give thanks for the simple things you've been blessed with, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about - a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, the freedom of choice and the opportunity to pursue your own dreams.

And you begin to love and to care for yourself. You stop engaging in self-destructive behaviors, including participating in dysfunctional relationships. You begin eating a balanced diet, drinking more water and exercising. And because you've learned that fatigue drains the spirit and creates doubt and fear, you give yourself permission to rest. And just as food is fuel for the body, laughter is fuel for the spirit and so you make it a point to create time for play.

Then you learn about love and relationships - how to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving, and when to walk away. And you allow only the hands of a lover who truly loves and respects you to glorify you with his touch. You learn that people don't always say what they mean or mean what they say, intentionally or unintentionally, and that not everyone will always come through... and interestingly enough, it's not always about you. So, you stop lashing out and pointing fingers or looking to place blame for the things that were done to you or weren't done for you. And you learn to keep your Ego in check and to acknowledge and redirect the destructive emotions it spawns - anger, jealousy and resentment.

You learn how to say "I was wrong" and to forgive people for their own human frailties. You learn to build bridges instead of walls and about the healing power of love as it is expressed through a kind word, a warm smile or a friendly gesture. And, at the same time, you eliminate any relationships that are hurtful or fail to uplift and edify you. You stop working so hard at smoothing things over and setting your needs aside. You learn that feelings of entitlement are perfectly OK and that it is your right to want or expect certain things. And you learn the importance of communicating your needs with confidence and grace. You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that eventually martyrs are burned at the stake. Then you learn to distinguish between guilt, and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to Say NO. You learn that you don't know all the answers, it's not your job to save the world and that sometimes you just need to Let Go.

Moreover, you learn to look at people as they really are and not as you would want them to be, and you are careful not to project your neediness or insecurities onto a relationship. You learn that you will not be more beautiful, more intelligent, more lovable or important because of the man on your arm or the child that bears your name. You learn that just as people grow and change, so it is with love and relationships, and that that not everyone can always love you the way you would want them to. So you stop appraising your worth by the measure of love you are given. And suddenly you realize that it's wrong to demand that someone live their life or sacrifice their dreams just to serve your needs, ease your insecurities, or meet "your" standards and expectations. You learn that the only love worth giving and receiving is the love that is given freely without conditions or limitations. And you learn what it means to love. So you stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes. You learn that "alone" does not mean "lonely" and you begin to discover the joy of spending time "with yourself" and "on yourself." Then you discover the greatest and most fulfilling love you will ever know - Self Love. And so it comes to pass that, through understanding, your heart heals; and now all new things are possible.

Moving along, you begin to avoid Toxic people and conversations. And you stop wasting time and energy rehashing your situation with family and friends. You learn that talk doesn't change things and that unrequited wishes can only serve to keep you trapped in the past. So you stop lamenting over what could or should have been and you make a decision to leave the past behind. Then you begin to invest your time and energy to affect positive change. You take a personal inventory of all your strengths and weaknesses and the areas you need to improve in order to move ahead, you set your goals and map out a plan of action to see things through.

You learn that life isn't always fair and you don't always get what you think you deserve, and you stop personalizing every loss or disappointment. You learn to accept that sometimes bad things happen to good people and that these things are not an act of God... but merely a random act of fate.

And you stop looking for guarantees, because you've learned that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected and that whatever happens, you'll learn to deal with it. And you learn that the only thing you must truly fear is the great robber baron of all time - FEAR itself.  So you learn to step right into and through your fears, because to give into fear is to give away the right to live life on your terms. You learn that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophesy and you learn to go after what you want and not to squander your life living under a cloud of indecision or feelings of impending doom.

Then, YOU LEARN ABOUT MONEY... the personal power and independence it brings and the options it creates. And you recognize the necessity to create your own personal wealth. Slowly, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself and you make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never ever settle for less than your heart's desire. And a sense of power is born of self-reliance. And you live with honor and integrity because you know that these principles are not the outdated ideals of a by-gone era but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build your life. And you make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting and to stay open to every wonderful opportunity and exciting possibility. Then you hang a wind chime outside your window to remind yourself what beauty there is in Simplicity.

Finally, with courage in your heart and with God by your side you take a stand, you FAKE a deep breath and you begin to design the life you want to live as best as you can.

A word about the Power of Prayer: In some of my darkest, most painful and frightening hours, I have prayed, not for the answers to my prayers or for material things, but for my "God" to help me find the strength, confidence and courage to persevere; to face each day and to do what I must do.

Remember this:- You are an expression of the almighty. The spirit of God resides within you and moves through you. Open your heart, speak to that spirit and it will heal and empower you.
My "God" has never failed me.

MY truth

Ego:   Living from the judgmental, selfish, egotistical mind instead of from the hearts goodness, forgiveness, love, compassion, understanding and acceptance that we were created with. entertaining negative thoughts, living out actions, that do or would hurt another physically, emotionally, spiritually. 

We are all here created in equal spirit to live out our own life purposes yet we inflict our judgments on others which not only creates hardship in others and their lives but within our own lives through our own karma. every thought you put out is a boomerang. Ask me why I am on a mission to change my life cycle and Ill give you a very simple answer! I personally am tired of living with the headaches, pain, and hardships from that negative boomerang. besides... seriously, do I reeeeally, intentionally want to hurt anyone anyways....? deep down below my own ego... nope. Not my style. I just want to live my life peacefully happy.( Live, love , laugh...yep, thats me! :)

I am soooo not about trying to be better than anyone else. I'm just trying to live MY life purpose, being the best I can be, maximizing MY own potential within myself. where My ego always gets me is trying to change someone else, or what I perceive as their "wrong" path, because I fear for them. NOT because I think I'm better than anyone elses potential but because I care and love and dont like seeing anyone hurt. what I'm learning slowly is this... to accept and tolerate everyone for who and what they are because they have to reach their own terms in their own life time to get to where they are going. Its not mine to decide which path they should take or what their potential is. It's self rightous of me to think I have an understanding that they dont. truth is theres reasons why others are the way they are that I am clueless to. Me trying to change anyone, or their path, is me judging with good intention.  Besides... maybe I'm whacked, wrong and could lead someone else wrong by imposing MY truth. Acceptance is hard. sometimes tolerance is harder.

Loving others and feeling judged by them for choosing my own "different" path is hard. when I feel judged then I feel the need to retaliate. Hurt > anger> retaliation> infliction to someone else> bad karma.  again.. ego.

I understand that every single human on this earth has a soul that is shadowed by imperfect mind/ego.  Some, within their own personal reasons, have deeper, darker shadows than others. Everyone is responsible for living out their past karma AND coming to terms with the karma they are now creating. Not everyone is open to seeing, feeling or believing as I do for their own reasons that arent mine to judge or carry. That is THEIR choice, not mine. I have to accept that. I need to love, care anyways and in some cases maybe insulate( not isolate) to self preserve myself and my life.

 Every soul residing in a human body has cried and has the ability to make me cry if I'm open to feeling. Ive lived through enough reasons to justify selfishly closing my heart down but I cant. I am working on expanding my mind and heart so I can accept, forgive, love and accept love more freely. One day at a time i am breaking a life time of burdons, pain, anger that built walls. I dont like walls, i want expansion and the ultimate freedom. I am ready to heal, grow and move on to a better future with less trials, tribulations and pain. I believe in God, in goodness, in love, in kindness. I dare to keep my heart open because that is what Im made of. (and ...I'm sick of my own karma...).

the tricky, and not easy, key for me is reminding myself every single day when I wake up and continuously throughout the day, just who and what we all really are. Reprogramming my mind and expanding my heart to Keep myself open to the bigger picture. the "more than me, more than you" picture.  we are all living in a universe of one soul and creation, just different  languages,  egos(minds) and bodies. My lifes fullfillment is not residing in the confinements of mind; but in the freedom of spirit. The door between mind and spirit is heart. that is my truth.

then, now , future

 For well over a year now I have gone over and over in my head, soul searched my heart, as to why "I let myself" get involved with him. Why I stayed.  I truly believe(d)  The answers that unlock the doors to the future I want are in those whys. Ive said it a hundred times. theres  no U turns for me. only the good life ahead for me because it is time to live a life I am capable of, deserving of and truly want and need for myself. I am tired of old cycles. My present days  are the days I have to learn from my past  to create a better future.

this is what I have discovered...

 When I met him I was in the middle of my own self and life transformations. I had started touching the surface of my true spirit. I had lost almost 200 pounds and felt a sense of freedom and accomplishment like never before.  I had been accepted in the Art Institute of Indianapolis. I was enjoying dating a man who Id been online friends with for a couple of years. He was a large part of my support system in reclaiming my life as an individual and an esteem booster. He had become one of my best friends and confidant. I had never felt such an easy connection and mutual attraction with a man, for all the right reasons.

 I had sold almost everything i owned accept for all the sentimental's and basics to move to the city where I was going to start my new life and freedom as a college student in arts. 

I had it going on. Or so I thought.

And then...I met him. In celebration of all my accomplishments my ex husband (yes, he was one of my best friends until this new relationship separated us) took me to get a tattoo. That day changed my life then and forever. There was immediate interest, attraction and chemistry with the tattooist. Within a week I had lost my footing, exchanged the life and opportunities I had going for me for a life with him.

What happened...?

Hidden and unacknowledged fear and insecurity. fear of the unknown. fear of failure. fear of being alone in the city. fear of the mystery, the unknown. 

I found refuge in him. a false sense of security.  What felt like an almost secret life hidden away that was just ours. I found intensities with him I'd never experienced before that were exciting, new, different and brought out sides of me I didn't even realize existed. we had a chemistry together that turned into his obsession. he quickly became my world. my addiction.  He had all the traits of an abuser and within a couple months I knew his deep darkness. but I also knew the abused child in him. the victim that needed saved.he needed loved. he needed me.  I probably left this man over 100 times easy. My 22 year old son who helped me move my stuff in and out too many times to count gave up on me and said one of the very last times "he WILL be the death of you mom".

When I realized my love for him was also becoming balanced with a hatred and resentment I HAD to start evaluating WHY I was letting him crumble me. Why was I letting him destroy my goodness. Why was I contemplating buying a gun with intent to use it instead of breaking free for good. Why was I letting him drag my heart around and laugh at the pieces of me he was stomping in the ground. why was I letting him risk my future in prison over everything I had previously set out to do and become when I met him....? WHy, when and how did I lose myself and that control...?

I started slowly investigating these questions about a year before I left him. I took my focus off of us and him.  I started my journey inward to reclaim me. What I had left Inside of me was all that I had left period.

He had isolated me from everyone I loved except my son. Most friendships/relationships I had when I met him were (and are still)either strained or dissolved because of circumstances, misunderstandings, hurts and changes. What I was enduring to deal with him and my life with him were completely life consuming. HE had control over every aspect of my life. I was alone, scared, heart broken, twisted in mind and fractured in spirit. 

What was left of ME I had to start finding and building on before I could leave him. I had to find my will and face ALL my fears. Not just what life had become with him, but the ones I was avoiding by staying with him from the beginning of his exposed darkness.

the realizations were and are still astounding to me. Everything I was afraid of before that caused me to quietly detour from my planned out future, were absolutely trivial in comparison to the fears I faced with him and within our relationship.

Abusers have a nack for singling out their victims. victims have certain characteristics just as abusers do.   When i met him, I had every reason in the world to feel good about myself, but in the depths of me were shadows I was running from. My past and my future crashed in the arms of him. 

I have made a book out of what I refer to as my workbooks. All the journals I had wrote  containing deep self explorations that all helped me come to terms with fears, myself, him, and breaking free of our cycle.

all this being said....

whatever I post in Hopes Hand is about helping self transformation. Not only do I advocate for victims in abusive situations but for those who are interested in transforming themselves from the INSIDE to stop abusive cycles.

getting in touch...

This week has been a winding road. My anger, retaliation, aggressive side, is really wanting to show its self. I am feeling a desperate need to judge and change someone I love.

Today, I am forcing myself to really examine just how I am LETTING others habits, thoughts, actions, judgments affect me within my own life. In order to release myself from my ego self (angry, judgmental, aggressive, etc. self) I have to go deep, examine my true deep self, acknowledge and INTENTIONALLY release my ego. My own ego is honestly what is causing my temporary unhappiness and holding me hostage from my peace of mind (AND creating more negativity and karma...).

My heart is huge. It loves large. This means I hurt large. I get very angry when people I love are hurting large because of someone else. I feel helpless. It hurts me to not be able to "save" them from what I believe 'doesn't have to be'. BUT... that is MY reality in MY mind. 

The much deeper REAL TRUTH is... everyone is walking this earth to learn their own lessons, experience their own growing process. They are feeling, thinking,living, breathing, dealing, judging within their own earthly "reality" and learning their lessons at their own pace.

It is truly in everyones best interest for me to accept what I cant change. For me to Free myself, and them, of what isn't even mine to change!

The choices others make, no matter how hurtful towards others, is their own journey, their own lessons and karma. How myself and others who are being affected; how we process through this hurt, powerlessness , anger... is our INDIVIDUAL 'reality'. It is our Individual lessons we are living through presently from our own past karma as well as creating our own Individual future karma. We are connected and learning from each other, but we are also experiencing and learning on individual levels in individual ways. 

I am starting to really grasp how this cycle works. I am understanding how everything might FEEL catastrophic...but really isn't. I feel in a sense blinds are slowwwly lifting.

What this earthly "reality" is... really isn't. 

I am slowly understanding these lessons will continue happening within my own life until they are dealt with in higher perspective through ongoing love, compassion and understanding. As each of us as individuals journey on; our relationships, circumstances, experiences and cycles will change as we change. The impact between negative or positive, what we attract back to us, comes from within us. 

I am understanding a lot, but have a ways to go in actually DOING.

“Every man must decide whether he will walk in the light of creative altruism or in the darkness of destructive selfishness.” ~ Martin Luther King Jr.