moving from his shadows.

This week I have been doing this balancing act between my heart and mind as he has shadowed me from behind.  I can feel his invisible pull. His energy. He is a master chameleon that has the ability to alter himself between good guy / evil guy. His changing colors had me flip flopping for years. I wonder when he will finally disappear from my life. True to his nature, he works behind the scenes tugging me with what few emotional strings that are still attached. I HAVE to disect those strings/feelings so as not to mistake pity, remorse  sadness, care and compassion for being 'in-love'.. more profound than any good memories (yes, there are tons of 'good' memories. no one falls in love with an abuser....)is the hell that became of my life behind the scenes.

I have to remind myself of all the obstacles I have overcome and the freedom I have now to be everything I am. I am too alive to be restricted by someones else's thoughts, prison walls or twisted belief systems. I am too free to be confined. No matter the pull from behind, I keep my eyes on the sun, I have the freedom to let my soul shine...

 In deeper levels...
It's amazing and painfully sad to me still how he never really knew my truth, my soul. He couldn't let himself believe due to his own insecurities and fears. He believed my light, my goodness, was a mask that would ultimately betray him, therefore always looking to catch me at betrayal, thus an excuse, a reason for his cruelty. Indeed, I did swim in an ocean of darkness, through his. He exposed me to my own darkened corners that was capable of doing things to protect myself I didn't know I had in me to do or be, only to feel immediate regret. Therefore...  IT  was the mask.  I don't believe real darkness, true evil, can feel such immediate disgust in their own behaviors or such intense regret. He exposed me to the worlds illnesses, and all things corrupted and evil through his tunnel visions.
I dont believe his soul is completely dark but because it is what he chooses to wallow in he will never see the light. He went over the top trying to prove how evil he is yet all he proved is how insanely dangerous he is for whatever reasons. Like a lot of DV victims, I see a lost, unwanted, abused child protected by a man who learned the ropes in all the wrong places. However as a survivor rebuilding my own life, I no longer feel the need to save him from himself. His cold, dark depths no matter how genuine from the soul they are or arent... ARE genuinely, insanely dangerous.

He will never know my light, my goodness not only existed and was my truth before and while i was with him, but it also overcame all that was. Within me it shines stronger, braver, brighter than it ever did before him. I truly believe those that acknowledge and hang on to their light within; in darkness, it will burn brighter, like a star, to guide them out of the depths of hell and despair.

I do not regret my time with him. I learned, I found my personal value and worth. I feel deep sadness and compassion for him. I forgive him. I thank him and the experience. I pray for him. I move foreword.

 I am on a journey. we all are. Not everyday is perfect.. What matters isn't about trying to be perfect, saying, doing or living perfection... but moving foreword. Trying to remember the things that matter TODAY, appreciate them (I'm big on gratitude listing) and building on those positives. the negatives, no matter who or what they are, what angle they come from; are merely lessons to learn from, challenges to over come for the better good. They are stepping stones  within ourselves to journey upward. we never realize how far we can go, what we are made of, until we look behind us and see how far we have came.  For me... it just drives me to keep going, see how far I can go, just what my ultimate potential is, what positive differences I can make for myself and others, what dreams I can make reality.